I sit here in tears

that cannot in any way even begin to express my gratitude. My happiness. I have been blessed. That is the only way that I can describe it. I have been blessed with the most perfect little being who I love more than I even know. To see her little face melts my heart. To touch her little hand is ecstasy personified. I have no words to describe the love that my heart holds for my child, my daughter who is herself a gift. I adore her in every way.

I am grateful to my protectors, my mother OYA, my ancestors, to the loving support I received while I housed her and continue to receive as I rear her and grateful to her dad who is loving, sweet, dependable, honorable and my partner in her life.

Having a C Section Sucks

My body hurts more than its ever hurt in my life. I'm sore, I can barely get up at night. Peeing hurts, pooping hurts, walking hurts, my feet are so swollen, I don't even feel like myself. This sucks.

I can barely get out the bed. I peed on myself just trying to get up. Turning in bed hurts, moving hurts. My insides feel like someone pulled a rake back and forth over them. But, I have this little precious person, so, I guess its okay.

She's here!

Monday the 15th of December, I was in my office going over some last minute things. My last day was going to be the 19th of December and I wanted to make sure everything was in order. I felt three very sharp and close together contractions, then nothing. My assistant kept telling me I was in labor but, I kept telling her I wasn't, everything was fine.

Tuesday morning, I woke up with the heaviest feeling in my lower belly, like I've NEVER felt this before. I get up to use the bathroom, waddled over to the toilet, pee, stood up and had the urge to go again. I began dripping, sat to pee again but, nothing. I got up to go back to bed and dripped all the way there. I automatically thought my water had broken but, I noticed while in the restroom, I was also passing lots of mucus so, I assumed my mucus plug broke. I laid down to go to sleep and SWORE I felt warm liquid coming out of me but, then again, maybe I didn't. In addition, I beginning to feel the very beginning of menstrual like cramps but, nothing serious. I just assume Bumble is moving her way down like everyone says she is supposed to. I keep feeling this warmth so, I get up to go online and research: urine vs. amniotic fluid, I have no clear answer. Pregnant women pee a lot, amniotic fluid smells sweet, blah, blah, blah.

I call Paul and let him know my back hurts, I'm not feeling well, I think I'm staying home from work, he's on his way. I call my doctor and explain to him whats going on, he says amniotic fluid would be clear and watery, since I'm describing something watery and mucusy, its probably just my mucus plug. He says to call if it gets worse if not, he'll see me at my regular appointment which is the next day. I decide to stay home from work. The rest of the day, my back hurts a little, I have slight cramps, and big globs of stuff come out of me. Other than being ridiculously sleepy, nothing seems too much out of the ordinary. I lay in bed and sleep, Paul rubs my back and makes sure I'm okay. Nothing major goes on for the rest of the day but a general feeling of sleepiness, heaviness and I drip every so often.

Wednesday morning I go to the doctor, I'm still dripping this mucus-y watery stuff. When I get up to go to the exam room, I gush water, I KNOW somethings up. The doctor examines me and says, "we're having a baby today, you broke your water I'm sending you to the hospital". "Right now?" I answer, "Yes" he says. "You mean like NOW?" I ask, I'm just so shocked. "Yes, he answers, "now. I call Paul, my mommy, my office, let everyone know I'm going to the hospital.

I get to the hospital and sign in. My doctor gave me a note, I fill out paper work, they take me into an examination room, Paul gets there like 15 minutes later, so quick, I was really surprised. I'm not dilated AT ALL, so, they decide to start me on Cervadil. Already, I don't like where this is headed and start complaining to Paul that I'm going to end up getting a C-Section. He tells me not to worry and off we go. We go to the pre-labor room where they insert the cervadil, my mom arrives. After about three hours, they move me to the delivery room and we all sit there chatting, laughing, nothing is happening, I dilate 1 centimeter in about 4 hours. All during the time we are there, the on call doctor keeps coming in and keeps calling my doctor. Apparently I'm having crazy contractions but, I don't really feel them. They keep looking at the monitors, asking me if I'm comfortable but I feel fine.

About 10 that evening, after only dilating to one centimeter, I hear the dreaded PITOCIN and I cringe. This is all overwhelming for me because my original plan was to have a serene home birth with John Coltrane, Erykah Badu and Nina Simone ushering our child into the world and everything I wanted is going straight out the window. But, I know I'm not dilating, I'm leaking fluid and this baby needs to come out so.... we go ahead and start it.

My mom has to leave, they only allow Paul to stay with me. I decide to try and get some sleep because I know it won't be possible later. I sleep for a while, maybe until about 3 in the morning, between people poking me and bothering me when the contractions get really bad. I'm hooked up to monitors but, I get out of the bed and try to labor squatting, walking around, just doing what I think my body wants. This causes a HUGE uproar, two nurses and the on call doctor come in and URGE me to get back in bed. They "threaten" to call my doctor and go on and on about the safety of the baby. I admittedly get very angry and start telling them to book my operating room now because there's no way I feel I can progress and labor properly if I'm laying in bed. I instantly become "that chick" and start telling them about the thousands of years of women who have labored and birthed without monitors. I reluctantly and loudly get back into bed. Paul, tries to persuade them to allow me to labor out of the bed. They call my doctor who lets them know its okay. I get out of bed for a bit but, the staff is looking at me like I'm going to jump out of the window or flip cart wheels so I again reluctantly and loudly get back in bed to labor the way they want me to. I remind them loudly that I'm going to need a c-section in a few hours. I yell something to the effect of, "Let's stop wasting our time here people, cut me open now."

I'm back in bed, angry, tired. The contractions begin to get worse. Paul is great, I think he only slept two minutes since the night before but he's up right there rubbing my back, holding me, helping me through the contractions but it becomes too much. I ask for an epidural, Paul runs out to get the epidural guy, he comes in, pushes this horrible needle in my back (I thought I was going to be paralyzed) but, I get the drugs which is the absolute best thing in the world. I get to rest, and sleep for hours. Poor Paul didn't sleep any, every time I opened my eyes he was looking at me or the monitors. About 8 in the morning, I'm checked and I'm dilated to all of 2.5 centimeters. My doctor comes in, examines me, knows how much I want to labor my way, knows my original plan of a natural, low intervention birth and gives me another couple of hours but tells me if I don't progress, we'll have to do "it". I've accepted my fate so, I go to sleep again.

I wake up, my doctor, who is wonderful looks at me and says, "you're ready kid?" (He's been my Dr. since I was 19), my mom and brother are there, the anesthesia team comes in, prep me, they were absolutely great and off we go to the OR.

I opted to be up during the operation. I'm a fat mama so, I think there was concern about the amount of drugs I should be given. At first, I feel pressure but not much pain. They're cutting and its weird to think our baby is coming now. After all of this time I get to see her and talk to her and hold her. Its overwhelming and scary at the same time. We hear her cry and I'm happy, I cry and try to sit up to see her, they bring her over to me and I see this little tiny scrunched up face, bright, chinky eyed baby. I kiss her and they take her away. Then, I feel pain, it feels like someone is yanking my belly button off, but from the inside, not a good feeling. I begin crying or screaming or making some kind of noise, I can't remember but I know I begin talking out loud to myself, I'm telling myself to relax, I begin singing and humming, what song, I have no idea. Paul is so calming,holding my hand but I look at him and he looks terrified, I know that I'm scaring him by singing, humming and talking to myself. I see the baby leave the room with a nurse, I ask him to go with the baby. He doesn't want to go, he says no. I feel bad now about asking him to leave knowing that he was so concerned about me but I was more concerned about the baby. I didn't want her to think she was alone in the world especially after months of telling her we loved her and wanted her. I wanted one of us at least to be with her and to not be surrounded by strangers.

Seeing that I was in pain, the anesthesiologist tries to put me to sleep but I don't want to go to sleep so, he gives me just enough drugs to make me loopy. The rest was over rather quickly or, I was given more drugs to believe it was over quickly but, my team was awesome. At the end when I was going to recovery, my doctor kissed my forehead and told me how great I'd done.

So, though things didn't go as I'd planned (we all know what is said about plans anyway), I'm happier than happy. Being pregnant in itself was such a great experience but to see what my body can do, to create and grow this perfect little person, I am in awe and grateful beyond belief.

Harmony = A perfect blend - Greek

Nayeli = I love you - Native American/Xotocan

Abeni = We asked for her and thank God, we got her - Yoruba

Week 35

I think we're in the home stretch now. On the calendar 5 weeks to go but in reality, I think about 3. I'm all too happy to hear that. According to our last ultrasound, Bumble is about 6 pounds, a big baby and I am all too ready to get her out. We are about 90% done with her room. Dad put together her crib and dresser which came out beautifully and we all too happily filled it with her stuff. We just need to sweep and mop once again, wash her diapers, smoke out the house and we are done. I was home for a few days and I was all too happy to play mommy, fixing up things, putting things where they belonged, organizing her diapers and toys. Then, unfortunately, I had to go back to work. Work is just so hard now at times. I hurt almost all day. Bumble kicks so low, sometimes when I'm walking, I feel like I'm going to fall over. I did however turn in my official letter of resignation. I have mixed feelings about that. I officially have 16 days of work left. I almost can't wait.

For the past month or so, I was eating terribly. Cheeseburgers, pizza, wings, just stuff that I KNOW I have no business eating. Over the past week or so, I've gone back to my normal, pre-pregnancy eating habits, lots of fruit, veggies, water, etc. I do feel better though, I was a bit hungry in the beginning.

Things continue to progress very well. Slight issues here and there but nothing too serious. My feet are swollen, sometimes my legs, still have carpal tunnel syndrome. My skin is extra dry and my left hip hurts a bit but other than those things, can't really comlain too much. One week until full term and while of course I want her to be healthy and happy, I also want her little behind out!

So, here's to the last few weeks of pregnancy and hoping that the next time, we decide to do this (if we decide to do this) we don't find out I'm pregnant until I'm about 4 months along. This has been one looooooooooooong experience.

Week 33

Ah! The 33rd week and I'm sooooo happy. Bumble is geting bigger and bigger (and heavier and heavier) by the day. Its to the point that when she moves, I see my stomach moving. When she balls up, I have a big knot in my stomach, right on the surface. I'm having a wonderfully normal pregnancy, something I am only too happy about since as a fat chick, I'm supposed to be sick and have high blood pressure and all kinds of complications.

We went to have 3d ultrasound pics taken this weekend but Bumble, in true Bumble fashion, decided she would literally show her behind and we didn't really get to see too much of her. We're supposed to go back later this week where hopefully she'll get herself together and we can see her cute little face.

Otherwise, all is well, its just a sit and wait thing now.

Week 31

I am soooooooo over work. At this point, I really just want to spend my days preparing the nursery, preparing her diapers, organizing baby clothes and of course, sleeping. I don't care about work, don't want to care about work, couldn't give a damn about it. Its like no matter what I'm doing during the day, my brain returns to "Baby, Baby, Baby" its so funny how a woman's brain works. I used to be such an intelligent, career driven person, now, all I want to do is look at baby clothes all day.

I'm back to being tired all of the time. Which is why I guess work is so unimportant right now. All I want to do is sleep. I don't want to walk, I get very tired so easily. Poor Paul drops me off right in front of the door of wherever we are going then has to find parking and walk back. Hope he forgives me. My day is not complete unless I take at least a two hour nap. I do however continue to wake up at odd times in the middle of the night starving or about ready to pee on myself. Usually, I'm up in the 3 to 4 hour. Today, however, its barely 3 and already I'm munching down on a bowl of Frosted Flakes.

So, Bumble has finally flipped! No more hanging out sideways digging her little fingers into my bladder. Now, her head does all of the bladder smashing. Its so weird because I actually felt her going through the motions of flipping. She didn't do it all at once the way I thought. It was a process that lasted a couple of days, which was why I was feeling her stick out the way she was. So, technically, 9 weeks to go. But, if my prayers are answered and my body likes the full moon as much as I hope it does, 7 weeks to go. I am soooooo ready.



Me at 30 weeks (click to see it, the picture post thing is being weird)